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In Historic Nomination, Biden Appoints Candace Owens As Vice Presidential Candidate

http://www.kymonews.com/news/international/in-historic-nomination-biden-appoints-candace-owens-as-vice-presidential-candidate/article5633565/

In a historic first for America, the new Vice Presidential candidate for the Democratic party is a black woman. Biden had been clear that his pick would be a woman, and after the George Floyd protests shook the nation, his addition of race into the intersection of gender shows a clear understanding of progressive principles that will shatter our current paradigm of darkness and usher in a new era of light.

His choice could be none other than famed political commentator Candace Owens. Owens has made a name for herself in progressive circles by championing several anti-racist causes. Her view of the Black Lives Matter protesters as “a bunch of whiny toddlers, pretending to be oppressed for attention” has given a strong backbone to Biden’s otherwise caucasoid ticket. Owens’ praise for the race-relations immediately following the abolition of slavery complements Biden’s own position on integrative busing during the 1970s, providing a solid racial foundation upon which to construct an energizing Democratic platform.

Owens’ credentials range from denying climate change to proselytizing fears over the Great Replacement. While many ‘Bernie Bros’ have corrosively criticized Owens with emojis on Twitter, most Democrats have accepted her as the only safe choice to overthrow the Republican regime. “To reject Candace Owens means to accept Donald Trump!” came chants and signs outside of the Democratic National Committee as they celebrated this historic moment.

When asked for comment on the new Democratic pick, current President Trump cobbled together these words, “The Democrats are embracing the radical left.” Trump was then asked to give evidence for this claim. “They must be,” he gurgled, “She’s black and a woman!” (Note: All presidential quotes have been edited for clarity) While Trump and his ilk are building their strategy against this new, progressive ticket, Biden and Owens push forward together into a new age of an inspiring, inclusive Democratic party.

Correction: In previous editions, Owens was erroneously referred to as “African-American.” Given her heritage is from the Caribbean, it would be asinine and kind of racist to call her “African-American” as if all black Americans are associated with that continent. The Vice-Presidential candidate of the democratic party is not African-American, and we here at KYMO News deeply regret our stupid, racist mistake.

There once was a champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, who came out of the Philistine camp. His height was six cubits and a span. He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer went ahead of him.

Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me. If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.” Then the Philistine said, “This day I defy the armies of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other.” On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.

For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand.

David was the son of an Ephrathite named Jesse, who was from Bethlehem in Judah. Jesse had eight sons, and in Saul’s time he was very old. David was the youngest. The three oldest followed Saul, but David went back and forth from Saul to tend his father’s sheep at Bethlehem.

Now Jesse said to his son David, “Take this ephah of roasted grain and these ten loaves of bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp. Take along these ten cheeses to the commander of their unit. See how your brothers are and bring back some assurance from them. They are with Saul and all the men of Israel in the Valley of Elah, fighting against the Philistines.”

Early in the morning David left the flock in the care of a shepherd, loaded up and set out, as Jesse had directed. He reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry. Israel and the Philistines were drawing up their lines facing each other. David left his things with the keeper of supplies, ran to the battle lines and asked his brothers how they were. As he was talking with them, Goliath, the Philistine champion from Gath, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it. Whenever the Israelites saw the man, they all fled from him in great fear.

David said to Saul, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” Saul replied, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.” But David said to Saul, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear.

As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground. David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine’s sword and drew it from the sheath. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword.

When the Philistines saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran. Then the men of Israel and Judah surged forward with a shout and pursued the Philistines to the entrance of Gath and to the gates of Ekron. Their dead were strewn along the Shaaraim road to Gath and Ekron. When the Israelites returned from chasing the Philistines, they plundered their camp.

And thus began the proud tradition of calling yourself the morally righteous underdog, despite having superior weaponry, killing an unprepared competitor, and brutalizing a fleeing population.

 

There once was a shepherd boy who was bored as he sat on the hillside watching the village sheep. To amuse himself he took a great breath and sang out, “Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is chasing the sheep!”

The villagers came running up the hill to help the boy drive the wolf away. But when they arrived at the top of the hill, they found no wolf. The boy laughed at the sight of their angry faces.

“Don’t cry ‘wolf’, shepherd boy,” said the villagers, “when there’s no wolf!” They went grumbling back down the hill.

Later, the boy sang out again, “Wolf! Wolf! The wolf is chasing the sheep!” To his naughty delight, he watched the villagers run up the hill to help him drive the wolf away.

When the villagers saw no wolf they sternly said, “Save your frightened song for when there is really something wrong! Don’t cry ‘wolf’ when there is NO wolf!”

But the boy just grinned and watched them go grumbling down the hill once more.

Later, he saw a REAL wolf prowling about his flock. Alarmed, he leaped to his feet and sang out as loudly as he could, “Wolf! Wolf!”

But the villagers thought he was trying to fool them again, and so they didn’t come.

At sunset, everyone wondered why the shepherd boy hadn’t returned to the village with their sheep. They went up the hill to find the boy. They found him weeping.

“There really was a wolf here! The flock has scattered! I cried out, “Wolf!” Why didn’t you come?”

The villagers lamented the loss of their sheep,

“What has always been false is now true! Past causes are not necessary determinants of the future! Induction is invalid!”