A young boy dashes through the park, trampling through the flower beds. He stops to admire his handiwork, trying to memorize the patterns of dislocated petals and frantic insects. Weary of play for the moment, he collapses onto a bench.

He sees a group of children come up with rules to a new game, devoid of any reason. They scream and run about, tagging one another then arguing over new sets of rules to replace the old ones which allowed them to be tagged. Their laughter rings across the park, the frivolity creating an ambiance of innocence.

He witnesses a young man let his dog off the leash. The young man throws a ball down the field, and the dog bounds after it. With the ball retrieved, the dog jubilantly takes off across the park. The young man yells out after the dog, and begins a slow lope to chase it down.

A couple walks past the bench, hand in hand, talking quietly among themselves. The words are meaningless, but the conversation between their eyes and the dialogue of their bodies express a mute intimacy.

He looks further across the park, and sees a man with a stroller. The stroller is surrounded by a cooing group of women, while the man sheepishly stands by, feeling awkward with the attention. The group of women carry on their way, waving their high-pitched goodbyes to the infant, while one waves only to the man, who waves back with a grin.

Hearing a commotion, he turns to see that the couple, further down the path, have erupted into an argument. They remain mostly hushed to avoid public embarrassment, though passion elevates the occasional phrase before a scrutinizing stare quiets it down again. The words maintain their meaninglessness, however, while tone conveys everything they didn’t intend to communicate.

He sits back in the bench and observes the environment surrounding him. The lives of so many blur together to create a primordial vision of human existence. A flurry of sound and colour wash over him, engulfing him in their emotions. The world spins around him while he sits in the centre, calm and unmoving.

An old man struggles to his feet, and walks slowly toward the gate. As he reaches the old iron bars, he pauses. He pats at his pockets, and turns slightly, as if to look back. Shrugging his shoulders, the old man raises the collar of his jacket against the bitter cold and crosses the threshold, certain he’s forgotten something.

The term ‘feminist’ gets bandied about a lot these days. It seems more and more people are thrilled to identify themselves as such. President Barack Obama recently declared himself a feminist, as did Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton is banking on the success of feminism in America as she doesn’t really have any other progressive chops to stand on outside of her gender. There is a quaint meme circulating the social medias featuring the cultural icon Patrick Stewart with a quote I’m assuming is his saying, “People won’t listen to you or take you seriously unless you’re an old white man, and since I’m an old white man I’m going to use that to help the people who need it.” The image shows the second best Star Trek captain holding a sign defending the rights of women and girls. It’s a touching sentiment that highlights an uncomfortable truth about the nature of the dominant discourse, as well as a thoughtless meme that clutters up my newsfeed. Because what does it mean to defend women and girls? If you claim to be a feminist, and then turn around and punch out a woman, then the identity should in theory become invalid. Broad statements are pointless because they cannot be practically applied in real-life scenarios. Identity politics is inherently meaningless because it detaches itself from deeds.

So what does it mean to be a feminist? The dictionary definition is that it is the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes, but again, that’s really broad and doesn’t exactly answer any specific questions about how feminism would apply in real-world situations. Let’s assume you, the reader, said yes when my title asked if you are a feminist. Maybe you can help me out.

Do you support a menstrual leave? It’s women being given extra time off to accommodate period cramps. It’s being practiced in multiple Asian countries and is being considered elsewhere as an employment solution to the unavoidable feelings, from discomfort to unimaginable pain, that menstruation can inflict on women. Should it be paid or unpaid? Is it reasonable to ask a business to support an employee who will produce less output in a deadline-based industry? Is it right to draw attention to a woman’s private affairs? Should greater flex time be available to everyone, allowing women to take menstrual leave without concern if they so choose, without bringing gender-specific problems into the discussion at all? How should the monthly female cycle be incorporated into the functionality of modern businesses?

What about the minimum wage? In the US, 62% of minimum wage earners are women. Similar numbers exist in Canada. Should the government enforce regulation on businesses to increase the wages of women as a means of decreasing the wage gap? How do we prevent economic flight in the face of an increased burden on businesses? Should it even be an economic discussion, or are different social forces at play that condition women into the lower paid service professions? Women make up a greater percentage of social assistance recipients, quite likely due to the aforementioned disparity in precarious employment. Do we ask the government to increase social spending? How does that get paid for when our country is already in debt? Does feminism necessarily require serious economic reform? What alternatives are there for improving the female condition if economic reform is out of the question?

What about motherhood? Should we wade back into the economic debate and suggest a government funded child care system, with all the costs and other problems that brings in? Should stay-at-home mothers be paid an income for their traditionally unpaid labour, or does that merely turn child-rearing into just another corporate enterprise? How long should businesses extend a maternity leave? How long should it be paid? How long should it be unpaid? At what point does it become unreasonable to hold a job for someone? A year? Ten years?

How do you feel about prostitution? Do women possess autonomy over their sexuality allowing them to enter fairly into the market to do business as equals among other professions, or is it inherently oppressive for a woman to be considered a product to be purchased as a sexual object?

Can a feminist be pro-life, or are they strictly pro-choice? If a fetus is considered alive, then it would be considered a separate human being from the woman inside whom it is developing. Would not a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body be akin to a woman shooting herself through the hand in order to kill another human being standing behind it? Do we need to degrade the value of a human life in order to be a feminist? If a fetus is not considered alive, at what point does it become a human life? When there’s a heart beat? Brain activity? After birth? What about babies born preterm? Are they not identical to fetuses still in utero at similar developmental stages? Do we need philosophical insight into the nature of life in order to appropriately label ourselves as a feminist?

What about the difference between being an ally and solidarity? Should male feminists take an auxiliary role in the progressive movement, or stand beside their female peers? Do distinct male voices distract from the conversation, or add to it? If male voices are socially louder, and men do not live the female experience, would that not mean a male voice cannot express the truth when it comes to women? But if a man shares his own experiences as to why he believes in the social, political, and economic equality of women, is that not just an addition of another truth? Should masculine issues be discussed in a feminist context, or as a separate issue? Women have fought for years to eliminate the suffix “-man” from their professions because it does not appropriately define them; do men need to adopt the prefix “fem-” in order to discuss their own social problems? Yet feminism is the precursor to gender studies and already addresses many of the masculine issues facing today’s men. Further though, do women discussing men’s issues face the same problem as men discussing women’s issues?

I hope I’ve avoided implementing my own biases into these questions to give the proper nuance of what exactly it means to discuss women’s issues, though I’m sure they seeped through. Some might say that it doesn’t matter the answer anyone gives to these questions, that only the broad acceptance of the term is necessary in order for feminism to be a success. It all comes down to the identity. Emma Watson said that if you stand for equality, you’re a feminist. Regardless of how the equality is implemented, it seems. Christianity has long claimed that morality is intrinsically linked to God, giving them a monopoly on the subject. Today though, one can be opposed to murder and not identify as a Christian, but you can’t support equality and not identify as a feminist? It seems the monopoly on morality has shifted from one ideology to another, and to be an acceptable human being the identity associated with that ideology must be adopted.

Except identity politics does nothing. The answers to these questions matter. Gleefully exclaiming, “I’m a feminist!” does not alter the well-being of prostitutes. The American Democratic party can claim to be feminists all they want, but if they do nothing to address the economic issues of women, the mantle becomes void. The domestic abuser can claim to be for equal rights all he wants, but no one in their right mind would say he’s fighting for the improvement of a woman’s status in the world. This is an extreme example, but it illustrates that there are wrong answers. Just as Christianity does not lay exclusive claim on the antipathy to murder, neither does feminism hold the rights to “equality,” whatever that means. Broad strokes do nothing save create a self-righteous identity, when the importance of equality lies in the specifics. Claiming an identity does not change the world for the better. It is the deeds that are important.

About a week ago, I was waiting at a bus stop on my way home, and I was approached by a pair of Mormons going about their rounds. They stopped to chat, as is their wont, and the one, taller Mormon acknowledged my E Pluribus Anus shirt that I was sporting at the time.

This is the only picture of me where the logo is reasonably visible, and I'm not taking a fucking selfie for my dumb blog.

This is the only picture of me where the logo is reasonably visible, and I’m not taking a fucking selfie for my dumb blog.

This is a reference to the television show Community for those godless heathens among you who don’t know your anus references, as seen in the school’s logo.

It translates to, "From Many Buttholes." Very poetic.

It translates to, “From Many Buttholes.” Very poetic.

Now, to me, this was great because it meant I got to talk about buttholes with Mormons, which has been my dream since childhood. I mean, we talked about other things like where they were from and boring social stuff, but whatever. The point is we shared a pleasant conversation. Meanwhile the bus pulls up, and they ask me if I would want to meet up with them later for a gathering, and I said, “No, I’m not interested, thank you, but it was nice chatting with you!” and got on the bus. As we parted ways, the one Mormon shouted after me, “Pop POP!” It was a magical moment.

As I got on the bus and displayed my pass, the bus driver said to me, “I saved you, huh?” as if I had just barely survived a shark attack, and he had pulled me from the water. Thing is, he hadn’t. The Mormons were kind and polite, and I was perfectly content having an idle conversation with them, and the bus driver did not commit any extra effort to rescue me from the uncomfortable situation he believed me to be in, he was just doing his job. If anyone was legitimately trying to save me, it was the Mormons.

A lot of people loathe door-to-door evangelists, and I get it. That used to be me. I would relish the occasion where one day I would finally get to ask a silly religious person why God would have created a universe wherein He would have to wait billions of years for His creation to come about if He allegedly loves us so much, or if the Earth is only 6000 years old, how does that explain the entirety of science? I mean, I love popcorn but I gotta admit, two minutes is about the extent I’m willing to wait. Compared to billions of years? Nobody loves popcorn that much. Alternatively, if I just came across a bowl of popcorn in the street and assumed that’s where popcorn came from, then I’d be stupid. I call it: The Popcorn Argument.

Eventually I learned that purpose, hope, and community are super important and hey! Turns out religion offers all those things. Now I’m the atheist who writes blogs defending organized religion. Go figure. These days when I’m given the opportunity to demand an explanation for the problem of evil, I prefer just being pleasant with another human being. Honestly, I’m probably better off.

Now, I didn’t write this blog just to tell you about my dabblings with theology. What I wanted to do was help out a reader or two come to grips with evangelist behaviour because it gets a lot of flack, and I don’t really think it deserves it. So come with me on a thought-experiment journey to a magical land where money dictates the turning of the world… which is actually this world. I guess you didn’t have to journey that far.

Imagine you won the lottery. Not like a free scratch or ten bucks, but the real jackpot. Huzzah, right?! And I’m not even talking about double-digit millions of dollars here, I’m talking infinite dollars. Literally an unending supply of dollars. Pay off your bills, take a trip to Hawaii, buy that happiness everyone keeps talking about… you will never have to have a financial worry again in your life! Now we’ll have to stretch our imaginations here a little bit and pretend you’re not a selfish piece of shit. You realize that with infinite dollars, you could pay off the bills of everyone! Pay off their mortgages; fund their kids’ tuition; pay for their health insurance! With an infinite amount of dollars, you could pass on infinite dollars to everyone! It’s one of the perks of infinite! So you go door to door, and you’re like, “Hey friend! I was that person who won that crazy jackpot that defies the laws of economic inflation! Want to have all your financial troubles taken care of forever?” Sane people would say yes. Suddenly, you realize that you’ve stumbled into a weird hippy commune! They reject your currency because they’re content with their bartering system of beads and hemp! They say things like, “Don’t you know that your money is fake? What real value has a piece of paper outside of what society collectively attributes to it? NOTHING! You believe in a lie!” The crazy fools, don’t they see the glory that is monetary-based capitalism? Monetary-based capitalism within which, as infinite-aires, they can live out the rest of their hippy lives in abundance and luxury? Lunacy!

So as a person with access to the infinite who is seeking to share its benefits for the good of everyone, do you feel like you’re worthy of scorn from smelly hippies? No, of course not. You’re only trying to help! The difference lies in each group’s perspective as to what generates worth, be it the agreed upon social value of a piece of paper (or more so nowadays the value of a few pixels on a screen), or, to bring back our titular Mormons, the value of an invisible deity. Each person is going to have a different view, but if we realize that unless we are selfish pieces of shit, we would perform the exact evangelistic deeds if we had access to an infinite portion of something we find so valuable.