In Historic Nomination, Biden Appoints Candace Owens As Vice Presidential Candidate
In a historic first for America, the new Vice Presidential candidate for the Democratic party is a black woman. Biden had been clear that his pick would be a woman, and after the George Floyd protests shook the nation, his addition of race into the intersection of gender shows a clear understanding of progressive principles that will shatter our current paradigm of darkness and usher in a new era of light.
His choice could be none other than famed political commentator Candace Owens. Owens has made a name for herself in progressive circles by championing several anti-racist causes. Her view of the Black Lives Matter protesters as “a bunch of whiny toddlers, pretending to be oppressed for attention” has given a strong backbone to Biden’s otherwise caucasoid ticket. Owens’ praise for the race-relations immediately following the abolition of slavery complements Biden’s own position on integrative busing during the 1970s, providing a solid racial foundation upon which to construct an energizing Democratic platform.
Owens’ credentials range from denying climate change to proselytizing fears over the Great Replacement. While many ‘Bernie Bros’ have corrosively criticized Owens with emojis on Twitter, most Democrats have accepted her as the only safe choice to overthrow the Republican regime. “To reject Candace Owens means to accept Donald Trump!” came chants and signs outside of the Democratic National Committee as they celebrated this historic moment.
When asked for comment on the new Democratic pick, current President Trump cobbled together these words, “The Democrats are embracing the radical left.” Trump was then asked to give evidence for this claim. “They must be,” he gurgled, “She’s black and a woman!” (Note: All presidential quotes have been edited for clarity) While Trump and his ilk are building their strategy against this new, progressive ticket, Biden and Owens push forward together into a new age of an inspiring, inclusive Democratic party.
Correction: In previous editions, Owens was erroneously referred to as “African-American.” Given her heritage is from the Caribbean, it would be asinine and kind of racist to call her “African-American” as if all black Americans are associated with that continent. The Vice-Presidential candidate of the democratic party is not African-American, and we here at KYMO News deeply regret our stupid, racist mistake.
Blog for Chumps 
I don’t get the parody here.
I dislike identity politics. I see it as making race and gender (or any intersection thereof) an interchangeable monolith which is obviously untrue. Hence, Candace Owens as a substitute for Kamala Harris. If people simply want a VP who is a black woman, then surely any black woman will do, no?
I’m not heartily against Harris as a VP; I see her as the safe, centrist pick. But I’m getting Hilary Clinton vibes where too much liberal focus is on the celebration of her identity while ignoring the very real and very important practical substance of governance. In 2016, the Democrats didn’t bother to address any of the legitimate criticisms aimed at Clinton on the assumption that she was the presumptive president-in-waiting, and you couldn’t touch her because she was going to be the First Female President (TM).
I appreciate the importance of representation; I appreciate the importance of the inclusion of different voices at the table. Given the prominence of Republicans at the DNC, I worry that not much is actually going to change with regard to whose voices will be at the table, and Harris’ identity as a black woman is going to be used as the progressive veneer that covers up the business-as-usual politics that Biden ultimately represents.
I also get irritated when I hear people refer to Harris as African-American, as you might have guessed, and it was just a lucky break that Owens also has her heritage in the Caribbean. Harris could be argued to represent two different continents based on her ethnicity, but neither of them are Africa.
Thanks for that. I guess I did suss out the Mad Libs nature, and I agree with your sentiment of pandering to the [fill in the blank] contingent.
I don’t get as irritated by the Jamaican thing, as I’ve been taught since grade school—about 50 years ago—that Jamaicans were direct descendants of Africa, so the degree of distance is less disconcerting, and I consider it to be hyper parsing or hair-splitting.
As for the politics, Biden = No; Harris = No; Trump = No; Pence = No; (and Owens = No)
Harris is a donor-class token who has a Right-Centre record her entire career. She’s talked Liberal (not necessarily Progressive) talking points, but when push comes to shove, she votes the way her handlers tell her to vote.
As for identity, I dislike the whole notion, whether personal, cultural, national, sports league, or whatever, but my opinion has been summarily discounted. 😉
We’re all African if you go back far enough. Modern Mexicans are directly descended from European Spaniards, but still have a distinct ethnicity. I also remember reading somewhere that African-American refers to the enslavement process since there would be no specific country from which to draw ethnic-reference points from. That could be a false memory though. Then again, I also think “African-American” puts an unnecessary qualifier on someone’s nationality, so it could just be I dislike that kind of terminology in general.
Don’t get me wrong; I would choose many others before Harris or Biden. I see her as the safe choice because I think a Biden/Harris ticket will beat Trump/Pence. I still think voting for the Democrats is voting for the disease rather than the symptom (which would be voting for Trump), and I have some views on how Biden might be MORE dangerous as leader which might turn itself into a blog one day. I just wish that climate change wasn’t a thing and there wasn’t such a deadline forcing these lose/lose decisions.