Sharks are just genetically superior to all the other fish. Their skull structures are built slightly different to allow for higher brain function. Any other fish that performs well is simply “one of the good ones.” The ocean was markedly better before the schools of fish desegregated and allowed other fish access to previously “shark-only” facilities.
We celebrate sharks because fuck all those other lesser creatures of the sea.
Shark Power! Shark Power!
11 Year Old Girl Commits Suicide After Discovering Non-Existence of Santa Claus
http://www.kymonews.com/news/national/11-year-old-girl-commits-suicide-santa-claus/article5633560/
Janet Paisley, 11, committed suicide yesterday afternoon after having discovered that the jolly old elf Santa Claus had been entirely fictional. In an interview with her mother, we learned that Janet began having doubts about Santa Claus a few years earlier, and would purposely misbehave around her family to see if she would in fact receive coal for her transgressions. “We knew she had been a hellion, fighting with her sister and cousins, but what parent could bring themselves to ruin a kid’s Christmas? We still bought her the gifts, and she seemed happy enough to receive them. How could we know?” said mother Anne Paisley.
Janet then began an existential spiral into nihilistic despair. Her journal revealed that she had begun to question the legitimacy of morality. One passage reads, “If I’m good I get presents, and if I’m bad I get presents. My parents buy them for me. There’s no list of the naughty, no list of the nice. My actions have no consequence. If I did actually get coal, it wouldn’t be because some transcendent judge with absolute knowledge of nice and naughty deemed me unworthy of gifts, but merely because my parents were upset that I broke Grandma’s vase and lied about it.”
This surprisingly articulate 11 year old, fuelled by her despair at the lie she had been living, began misbehaving in school, and, despite measures by the school’s staff, seemed impervious to traditional methods of discipline. “We would put Janet in detention for hours upon hours after school, and she would continue to misbehave. I even asked her if it bothered her to be all alone, and she told me that she’s always alone. In her mind, there is only her consciousness, and that doesn’t change whether there are people in the room or not,” said Arthur Schumacher, the school’s Vice Principal.
Right before Janet’s unfortunate end, she had been sitting quietly on a swing in the playground. Janet then got up, and calmly walked over to her classmate Ahmed Nasab, 11, and stabbed him in the side once with a pencil, then stabbed him four more times in quick succession. Ahmed was rushed to the hospital, and is currently in stable condition. When asked why she did it, Janet replied, “Just to see.”
Then yesterday, just days after the incident on the playground, Janet was found by her mother in their bathtub with her wrists slit. Beside her was a note that read, “I no longer desire presents. Coal doesn’t bother me. All I want for Christmas is the truth, and that is the one thing that does not exist. There is no Santa Claus. There is only nothingness.”
Memorial services will be held in St. James Church, Thursday November 29th, at 3:00pm.
Again let us reflect on the similarities between existentialist philosophy and cheesy Dad Rock. Human beings are often brought to question who we are and what lies ahead through the unimaginative and repetitive lyrics sung to us by the unnecessarily emotive vocals of the Dad Rock genre, and it is none other than Here I Go Again by Whitesnake that causes us to reflect on the depressing, whiny philosophy of the sad and lonely Jean-Paul Sartre.
The singer starts off by emphasizing Sartre’s greatest contribution to the realm of philosophy: the notion of the duality of freedom. Not knowing where one is going shows us that the future is one endless potential of freedom. We can choose literally any path before us, but also we know where we’ve been, so there is also the binding nature of the past which one must take into account. There is no freedom in the past, and by hanging on to the songs of yesterday, it seems the singer was living in bad faith by embracing just the one aspect of the two sides of freedom. Luckily, he’s now made up his mind, and seems to have broken free of his bad faith and now chooses to embrace the entirety of his freedom.
Next, the singer expresses the morality of the existentialist thinker. As there is no truth, one will never be able to find what they’re looking for; however, in order to be moral, one must keep searching for an answer. To live in this anxiety is to be a moral being, and as Sartre often points out, as does Whitesnake, it is a tough way to live, and the singer asks the Lord for the strength to carry on to live as a moral being, and not to slip into nihilism.
The chorus of the song of course refers to Sartre’s rejection of the Other. The singer realizes that in any kind of social interaction, it is a battle between two individual Selves to turn the other into an object, while maintaining their own free will. Whitesnake recognizes that one can either abandon their Self to become the object their opponent wishes them to be, or to subjugate the other person to become the object of their own perception. The singer, like Sartre, chooses to go on their own, to walk alone, rather than face the hell that is other people.
Whitesnake recognizes the importance of embracing the depressingly lonely philosophy of Sartre, and has made up their mind, and chooses not to waste any time in diving right into a life of cold, hard, bitter misery and despair following the lonely street of dreams. Here they go again. Here they go again.
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