Why is bidet immoral?

Jan 7, 2014 //
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While perusing the search terms that people have used to stumble across my blog, I discovered two things. One, people actually use Bing, and two, at least one person out there is wondering, “Why is bidet immoral?” Since that led them to read my blog, I figured that as a man of the people, I should give the people what they want, and investigate some of the clandestine affairs that bidet gets up to.

According to Wikipedia, the go-to source for half-assed research, a bidet is “a plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus.” So what might be considered immoral about a sparkling clean anus? Let’s make something up on the spot, shall we?

The bidet is a luxury item. Put together by hard-working blue collared men and women, to be used only by the wealthy elite. You won’t find a bidet in a trailer park, and as such, the bidet is a perfect example of the income disparity between the rich and the poor. Fabricated porcelain chip by porcelain chip by the calloused hands of Joe America, his struggle becomes sullied by the taints of the 1%, their trickle down awash with bits of poo.

Another way that the bidet could be considered immoral is if the water is shot out with enough force and hits the right spot, theoretically it could break a woman’s hymen. In cultures where virginity is considered sacred instead of ridiculed, this could pose a problem for her. Alongside horses and over-zealous kegels, the bidet is one of the leading causes of non-sexual hymen-breakages.

Lastly, bidet is a French word that means pony, implying that a bidet is to be ridden as such. Which is… kinda gross.

Thus concludes the immorality of bidets. I hope you have all taken something away from this, and will never, ever use a bidet again. Or douche. You shouldn’t douche either.

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Categories Fun

New Year Wisdom 2014

Jan 1, 2014 //
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In honour of this new year that is upon us, I’m going to share two of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever received. This isn’t life altering stuff that will make you all zen or whatever, but it’s still good advice. So listen up.

The first bit was given to me by my late grandfather. For unnecessary context, my grandfather founded his own business, and was married to my grandmother for like a billion years or however long. A while, anyway. I lived with them while I was going to a school near-ish to their home. One time, when I was going out one night, my grandfather said to me, “Dan,” he said, “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, were I capable of doing it.” He was 80-something at the time, so if he hadn’t added in that final caveat, he would have limited me considerably. But I think that was the point of the advice he was trying to give, which was do things, any things, while you’re still young enough and capable enough to do them. You might get old, you might get sick, or injured, or dead, and then all the opportunities for doing will be gone. So I think the “don’t” part of his little maxim there was facetious, and he was trying to get me to live my life.

The next bit of advice that has stuck with me was given to me by a wise old prostitute. This is a woman who has experienced life in ways unfathomable to most people. To those wondering, no, I didn’t pay for this advice nor any pre or post-advice delights. Anyway, this wise old prostitute said to me, “Dan,” she said, “always bring two condoms.” Now this might just seem like basic, practical advice, but I believe it can be generalized to apply to other, non-sexual life events. Don’t let trivial things get in the way of having an amazing time. I mean bringing two condoms is showing a little forethought, which is always smart too, but I prefer to think of this advice in terms of if something has gone wrong, and there is a simple thing like not having a condom stopping you from an otherwise orgasmic time, then don’t get hung up on it. The first condom malfunctioned, so what? Persevere. There are always 24 hour drug stores.

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Categories Fun, Philosophy

Don’t gender adjectives. And don’t verb nouns, either.

Dec 29, 2013 //
1

It’s considered fairly common knowledge the ideals that make up masculinity. Manhood. Being a man. To name a few you’ve got strong, independent, assertive, chivalrous, rugged, etc. Put all these things together and you’ve got your James Deans, your Robert Redfords, your John Waynes, your… who the hell is relevant these days? Jude Law? Whatever. Unimportant. Anyway, a lot of people look to the past for examples of manliness because they don’t agree with the aggression and violence that is associated with masculinity today. Yes, being a man also apparently means being tough, crude, and a womanizer. There are loads of definitions. But those bad ones can’t be right, because we’re all sensible individuals here. That list with the nice adjectives has to be the proper definition.

What about if a woman exudes those qualities? They’re fine qualities, we’ve already established that. But we’ve limited them to half the population. If a woman wants to be those things, does she have to give up her gender in order to do so? If you’re male and want to “Be A Man” and have it mean something, ask yourself to define what it means to “Be A Woman.” Is it meekness? Daintiness? A penchant for getting a case of the vapours? No, like I said, we’re sensible individuals here. We look to the past for manliness, but we look to the future for qualities that define women. So let’s make a new list: strong, independent, assertive… It’s starting to look exactly like that first list of what it means to be a man. Basically get rid of ruggedness and you’ve got what most parents are trying to teach their daughters.

Maybe being a man isn’t as traditional as I’ve made it out to be. Maybe Real Men are actually compassionate, stylish, generous, and love to cuddle after sex. It’s a brand new day, and people are coming up with lists upon lists of new ways to define what it means to have a penis. Here are a couple of examples:

http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/10-ways-to-know-youre-dating-a-real-man/
http://fiercegentleman.com/10-qualities-fierce-gentleman/

Again, very nice qualities. Leaning a bit on the traditionally feminine side, which is a nice touch. But the answer isn’t to feminize masculine attributes and to masculinize feminine attributes. For one thing, it is too easy for someone to dismiss these softer attributes as being “for fags” and go back to their rough and tumble definitions of beating up those smaller and lording it over them. When the definitions of “what makes a man” are so overbearingly numerous, people can pick and choose what they like and find plenty of evidence to back up their assertions, and then dismiss the ones they don’t like.

So why is this a problem? It’s mostly just an argument over semantics, and those are the funnest arguments to have. And it’s not that hard to adapt society to believe that girls doing boyish things and boys doing girly things is okay. That’s relatively close to where we’re at right now. However, what about the little boy that wants so badly to Be A Man? He’s got his heroes that he looks up to, but for the life of him, he can’t be strong, he can’t be assertive, he lives at home with mom and dad, he’s overweight… He’s teased by the other kids at school, and he feels less than. He knows that he should be able to be all those things, because the evidence is there each time he takes a piss. That kid has so much telling him what it means to have that penis, and that it’s a “good” thing to Be A Man, but this boy can’t measure up. He feels as though he’s betraying himself, that he’s incompetent because he can’t do the things his penis is supposed to allow him to do. This child’s problems are exacerbated, simply because he has a dink and that is apparently supposed to mean something.

So what makes a man? Let’s ask the Dude:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq1i8O9dgPU

A pair of testicles. That’s what makes a man, and even that is debatable. So if you like an attribute, just say that it’s a good attribute. There’s no need to attach it to your junk.

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Categories Gender and Sexuality
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