While perusing the search terms that people have used to stumble across my blog, I discovered two things. One, people actually use Bing, and two, at least one person out there is wondering, “Why is bidet immoral?” Since that led them to read my blog, I figured that as a man of the people, I should give the people what they want, and investigate some of the clandestine affairs that bidet gets up to.

According to Wikipedia, the go-to source for half-assed research, a bidet is “a plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus.” So what might be considered immoral about a sparkling clean anus? Let’s make something up on the spot, shall we?

The bidet is a luxury item. Put together by hard-working blue collared men and women, to be used only by the wealthy elite. You won’t find a bidet in a trailer park, and as such, the bidet is a perfect example of the income disparity between the rich and the poor. Fabricated porcelain chip by porcelain chip by the calloused hands of Joe America, his struggle becomes sullied by the taints of the 1%, their trickle down awash with bits of poo.

Another way that the bidet could be considered immoral is if the water is shot out with enough force and hits the right spot, theoretically it could break a woman’s hymen. In cultures where virginity is considered sacred instead of ridiculed, this could pose a problem for her. Alongside horses and over-zealous kegels, the bidet is one of the leading causes of non-sexual hymen-breakages.

Lastly, bidet is a French word that means pony, implying that a bidet is to be ridden as such. Which is… kinda gross.

Thus concludes the immorality of bidets. I hope you have all taken something away from this, and will never, ever use a bidet again. Or douche. You shouldn’t douche either.