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HealthBC Now Offering New ‘Human Connection’ Drug For Seniors

http://www.kymonews.com/news/BC/healthbc-now-offering-new-human-connection-drug-for-seniors/article5633563/

HealthBC has spent years contriving new ways of keeping its financial head above the water, and this year it must manage the dismal 18 billion dollar budgetary constraints being imposed upon it by the provincial government. However, after sustained incremental cuts over the years to seemingly superfluous programs like social activities for seniors in state-funded care facilities, it has discovered an unfathomable conundrum. Many studies have shown that basic interaction between human beings has a distinctive physiological benefit for seniors and has even been shown to reduce the risk of cognitive disabilities like Alzheimer’s and dementia. KYMO News spoke to HealthBC official Sarah Palmers in 2014 about this development:

“Providing overworked employees to cater our understaffed facilities has been a staple of the HealthBC family for generations. We strongly abide by our stance that facilitating a relationship with our clientele is detrimental to the care that we as a faceless government monolith can provide. We cannot abandon our mission statement of fiscal efficiency to the point of criminal neglect, but we also cannot ignore this new data. HealthBC is committed to finding a way to incorporate this ‘Human Connection’ into the services we provide.”

Finding a way to commodify human connection confused and frightened health care providers, and many failed attempts were initially made. One such attempt was HealthBC’s partnership with the residential care reform movement Worldwide Health Organizational Reform for Engaging Seniors. By joining with WHORES, HealthBC adopted many new service programs. For a nominal fee, HealthBC would send over WHORES caregivers to pretend to be the grandchildren of resident seniors. Matching the hair colour and age of those grandchildren would cost extra, and legal fees would need to be accommodated if the caregiver needed to be trafficked from another country. Unfortunately, this service has been suspended pending a verdict from the International Human Rights Tribunal.

Luckily, today scientists have been able to synthesize human connection by analyzing brain scans of seniors looking at pictures of their families while using the pictures of their domineering and patronizing hospital attendants as the control. The actual families could not be reached for this research due to being “too busy”. The results researchers discovered were put in little capsules and simply added to the Skittles bag of pills that seniors endure on a daily basis. Of course, human connection is not considered a medical necessity, so these pills will not be covered under the Medical Services Plan of BC.

KYMO News interviewed Mrs. Palmers after this new development to obtain the official position of HealthBC:

“HealthBC is thrilled to offer Human Connection to our service users at a reasonable price. By blissfully ignoring the significantly cheaper preventative methods being touted to exhaustion by seniors advocates, we can move forward with this million dollar research that allows us to more fully explore new ways to distance ourselves from our clientele.”

Human Connection may not be right for you. If you suffer from introversion or misanthropy, Human Connection may cause severe rash or diarrhea. Please consult your doctor before use.

 

A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, and carries the scorpion across. Nothing happens, because when we anthropomorphize creatures to create moralizing fables we project into them the values we as the author wish to express, and not an analysis of actual reality.

Lying is almost universally condemned as immoral behaviour. Deceiving children doubly-so. Yet for some reason, the lie of Santa Claus is celebrated every Christmas as children worship at the tabernacle of St. Nick, and parents knowingly smile and take joy in the deliberately perpetuated naivety of their offspring. Surely there must be a reason to pull the wool over the eyes of the young.

It would be nice to believe we lie for the sake of a lesson in post-modern deconstruction: the true nature of an old white man literally at the top of the world enforcing nonspecific yet absolute moral conventions is a social construction, and when children become disillusioned to the lie that is Santa Claus, they can become aware of the further social constructions of the dominant discourse in our society. Unfortunately, this inevitably leads to children thinking for themselves, and so this method is discarded as anarchical.

Many people believe that childhood is a time of innocence and joy, and that a belief in Santa Claus is a reflection of that innocence. The world is shitty and bleak, and children are not to be exposed to its true nature until they’re old enough to handle the responsibility that the misery of our inherited existence imposes upon them. Is this to protect them? Are we suggesting that joy cannot exist outside of a world built on lies? That innocence cannot survive when it is exposed to the truth? To believe this is to be a greater pessimist than those who choose not to lie to their children about Santa Claus, and those people are monsters.

When I was a child and suffered through my own carefree joy, I asked my mother if she believed in Santa Claus. She told me she believed in the spirit of Santa Claus. Though she didn’t elucidate at the time and I certainly didn’t know what elucidate meant in order to ask, what she meant was that there isn’t necessarily a being that delivers presents on a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, but there is an essence of unlimited generosity that permeates the world once a year that is reflective of the nature of Santa Claus. People become more giving, human connection is enhanced, and the world becomes a better place, if only for one month out of the year. To her, this was Santa Claus. Perhaps we lie because children in their ignorance can more fully embrace this essence due to their unencumbered faith in jolly ol’ St. Nick.

Does the lie beget the symbol? Santa Claus in his current incarnation is notoriously based on an advertising campaign from Coca-Cola. His generosity is shown solely through his dispersal of material ‘things’ rather than intangible yet genuine human connection. Children cannot possibly understand this as a symbol of giving, because they are only ever on the receiving end. Does our lie not teach children that generosity, love, and human connection are about the transaction of objects? That our gratitude should be given to an unknowable deity rather than the very real human beings who loves us with all their heart? That happiness is about receiving unearned material wealth? If we desire a symbol for unlimited generosity and kindness, we can do better than one of commercialized consumption and misplaced gratitude. Which, if you ask anybody who has worked in retail around the holidays, is in fact the modern spirit of Christmas.

So life is shit, and Santa Claus is more of a reflection of that than we might ever actually care to admit. So why do we lie? I think it’s because we want to believe in magic. When we are children, anything is possible: reindeer can fly, a guy who’s built like a dump truck can fit through itty-bitty chimneys, red and white are somehow fashionable… When anything is possible, hope and wonder trump sarcastic cynicism every time. We feel as adults that magic dies with youth, and that merely implausible impossibilities become statically impossible and futile to resist. We desperately want life to be better, and magic would simplify that to easily attainable.

As many point out with derision, Christmas is an appropriation of the pagan winter solstice festival, and Jesus was more likely born in September. Why then the association with the winter solstice? The shortest day of the year inevitably leads to longer and brighter days; the birth of the saviour marks the end of darkness and entails an increasingly brighter outlook for humanity. Christmas, as it were, is the celebration of hope for a better future. The essence of magic as a symbol for hope is what Christmas is all about; not gifts or generosity at all, but magic. In the spirit of Christmas, rather than seek magic in our own lives, we pass the torch to our young out of nostalgia before we inevitably extinguish it for them as well. Hope becomes fantasy as we purge ourselves of our childhood delusions, and we choose to accept bitter reality over a world with brightness. Santa Claus isn’t a lie, Santa Claus is dead. Santa Claus remains dead. And we have killed him.