HealthBC Now Offering New ‘Human Connection’ Drug For Seniors

http://www.kymonews.com/news/BC/healthbc-now-offering-new-human-connection-drug-for-seniors/article5633563/

HealthBC has spent years contriving new ways of keeping its financial head above the water, and this year it must manage the dismal 18 billion dollar budgetary constraints being imposed upon it by the provincial government. However, after sustained incremental cuts over the years to seemingly superfluous programs like social activities for seniors in state-funded care facilities, it has discovered an unfathomable conundrum. Many studies have shown that basic interaction between human beings has a distinctive physiological benefit for seniors and has even been shown to reduce the risk of cognitive disabilities like Alzheimer’s and dementia. KYMO News spoke to HealthBC official Sarah Palmers in 2014 about this development:

“Providing overworked employees to cater our understaffed facilities has been a staple of the HealthBC family for generations. We strongly abide by our stance that facilitating a relationship with our clientele is detrimental to the care that we as a faceless government monolith can provide. We cannot abandon our mission statement of fiscal efficiency to the point of criminal neglect, but we also cannot ignore this new data. HealthBC is committed to finding a way to incorporate this ‘Human Connection’ into the services we provide.”

Finding a way to commodify human connection confused and frightened health care providers, and many failed attempts were initially made. One such attempt was HealthBC’s partnership with the residential care reform movement Worldwide Health Organizational Reform for Engaging Seniors. By joining with WHORES, HealthBC adopted many new service programs. For a nominal fee, HealthBC would send over WHORES caregivers to pretend to be the grandchildren of resident seniors. Matching the hair colour and age of those grandchildren would cost extra, and legal fees would need to be accommodated if the caregiver needed to be trafficked from another country. Unfortunately, this service has been suspended pending a verdict from the International Human Rights Tribunal.

Luckily, today scientists have been able to synthesize human connection by analyzing brain scans of seniors looking at pictures of their families while using the pictures of their domineering and patronizing hospital attendants as the control. The actual families could not be reached for this research due to being “too busy”. The results researchers discovered were put in little capsules and simply added to the Skittles bag of pills that seniors endure on a daily basis. Of course, human connection is not considered a medical necessity, so these pills will not be covered under the Medical Services Plan of BC.

KYMO News interviewed Mrs. Palmers after this new development to obtain the official position of HealthBC:

“HealthBC is thrilled to offer Human Connection to our service users at a reasonable price. By blissfully ignoring the significantly cheaper preventative methods being touted to exhaustion by seniors advocates, we can move forward with this million dollar research that allows us to more fully explore new ways to distance ourselves from our clientele.”

Human Connection may not be right for you. If you suffer from introversion or misanthropy, Human Connection may cause severe rash or diarrhea. Please consult your doctor before use.

 

Nobody likes the concept of privilege. Being told you have privilege makes you feel like the person is calling you an entitled prick that has never had to work a day in their life. People are the heroes and heroines of their own story, and having someone claim that all of their tribulations weren’t that bad can come off as patronizing. Of course, not many people are aware of privilege because it’s invisible. It’s like a ghost, but not like some harmless Caspar bullshit, it’s some mean poltergeist asshole. It’s all up in everyone’s face, just wrecking their shit.

Now, I’m not going to list out privileges because fuck lists. If you like lists and are offended at my dismissal of them, you can look at Peggy McIntosh’s Invisible Knapsack. It does a fair job of looking at white privilege and provides a good introduction to privilege in general. Since you’re a list-lover, I’ll even give you a fucking Buzzfeed page where you can do a quiz. What I’m going to do is examine a specific aspect of my life and see how privilege fits into it.

I am currently a university student studying social work. I am doing well because I’m a smart guy. I do all the reading in a timely fashion; I study hard; I have quality writing skills; some might say I earn my grades because of my effort and intellect.

How did my intellect develop? Well, I read lots and write lots. In fact, you’re reading some of my writing right now! How did I get into reading and writing though? I grew up in a home where my parents were both university educated, and they would read to me as a child. This instilled in me a love of reading that I have carried with me to this day. We also had enough wealth to place me in extracurricular activities that allowed me to focus on my personal development, allowing me to explore different paths my life could take. My intellect as it relates to my current grades is also affected by the amount of time I have to dedicate to studying. Again, through no contribution of my own, my parents had the economic foresight (and available resources) to invest in an RESP – which allowed me to graduate from my first post-secondary art degree without any debt, allowing me to collect enough money to pursue this second degree without a side-job interfering with my studying time.

Yes, I have exerted some willpower and made some choices in my life, and I could have just as easily chosen the much more fulfilling life path of a debilitating cocaine addiction, but my point is that the reason I even have the opportunities for choice that I do was foretold long before I contributed anything meaningful to it. I will likely succeed in my life goals, but certainly not due to any kind of meritocracy, even despite my genuine merits.

Does this mean that I am the result of my parents’ status and nothing more? Partly, but it would be naive to assume that my parents were not privy to privileges of their own. Class, and to an even greater extent racial, privilege is so entrenched in our genealogy that consequences from centuries ago can influence the lives we live today.

What does this mean for me and my classmates? We are graded on equal terms, yet compared to someone who had a much more tumultuous childhood, how is equal grading fair when one of us has had a significant head start? Let’s generalize this some more here. How is equal opportunity in any situation fair if there are those of us who start the race just a few feet from the finish line? Would a drive toward fairness not necessitate a redress of this discrepancy? Everyone seems to be in agreement that discrimination is, you know, bad, when it comes to hiring practices and so on: it’s in our Charter, but we seem to fall short when it comes to addressing the discrimination or privilege that is inherent in spewing out of our mothers’ vaj.

It’s like if we went into a store, and certain people were given a million bucks just for walking in the door. Nobody asked for the million bucks, but that does not negate the fact that they received it. Now, the store doesn’t charge more on any item for any particular person, so the prices themselves aren’t discriminatory, but the system itself of unequal distribution of privilege is.

This is a very brief example, examining only one aspect of one privilege out of the many that I possess. I do not feel guilty for my leg up; as I explained, I did not choose this life. I am, however, benefiting from this system of privilege at the cost that others pay for me, and I would be a massive asshole if I just settled in for the cushy ride.

What about you? What about your success? Where did it come from? It’s hard to tell because privilege is invisible. If only there were a list that could give people some insight…

The concept of the criminal justice system doesn’t really come up until something really shitty happens in the news, and then people freak out about how criminal X isn’t getting nearly as lengthy a prison sentence as having committed crime Y deserves. Justice was not served, and our weak judicial system lets another monster go with a wrist slap. I want to examine what a criminal justice system would look like if justice were to truly be served, so that next time there is a trial on the news, we can bitch and moan about its outcome in a more appropriate fashion.

Now, Socrates would immediately demand that I define justice, and then mock me for whatever answer I provide. However, provide one I must in order to progress in my analysis of the criminal justice system because otherwise this whole ordeal is pointless. Typically we attribute punishing wrong-doers as justice, but we must make the distinction between justice and vengeance.  An eye for an eye cannot balance the scales of justice as the repetition of an act can only weigh down the one side further. The other issue with punishment as justice is that it cannot rescind an action. If someone gets killed, they’re not going to be brought back by any means human beings can muster. Justice cannot be a return to balance because the world-state has been irrevocably changed. Of course, leaving the action with an apathetic shrug is out of the question as well, so I posit that justice is the prevention of further acts of injustice. The scales are tipped in a future world where unjust acts are committed with less frequency. Justice is not a return to balance, but the creation of it.

Now that the philosophy is done, we can return to our criminal justice system. Traditionally there are three ways that are followed in the pursuit of justice: punishment, incarceration, and rehabilitation. I will look at each of these on their merits and decide which one best suits my definition of justice. I’ve already decided, by the way. I am not writing this blindly. You’ll just have to keep reading to see which one I pick. Or skip to the end, I suppose. I can’t stop you.

We discussed punishment as being a flawed method of justice all of two paragraphs ago, but it must be revisited again as there are those that claim that punishment works as a deterrent, preventing future crime by disincentivizing potential criminals from committing nefarious deeds. No one wants to get punished; it sucks. Society seems to take a somewhat jovial attitude toward prison rape because it only adds to the deterrent factor of punishment. Punishment as prevention seemed to be solidified into fact in the 1970s when Isaac Ehrlich, an economist, concluded that rehabilitation could never work and that murdering criminals was the only way to stop crime. This was actually a huge deal, and this deterrent factor became so mainstream we are still dealing with people who insist that murder solves murder. Unfortunately, economists study money, and human motivations do in fact exist outside of that jurisdiction from time to time, and punishment as a deterrent has been largely rebuked, with 88% of people who study crime instead of dollars agreeing that the death penalty does not in fact disincentivize people from committing crime.

So since punishment won’t stop future crime, we now come to incarceration. This idea is that if someone is locked up, they can’t be out in civilized society getting their crimes up in everyone’s business. I cannot argue with this. If someone is in jail, they can’t be out criming with their buddies. However, decency seems to dictate that we should probably eventually let people out of prison. The “worth” of someone’s crime is calculated in how many times the earth rotates around the sun, somehow, and this is used to arbitrarily decide how long someone should not be out criming. How many years of your life is worth stealing a car? It’s an absurd question to ask, but that’s the question we pose to judges and juries every day of their working lives. Apples are much more similar to oranges, so combining an act with a time-frame is just a guessing game based on precedent and circumstance. And ultimately, the person will leave jail, quite possibly to commit further crimes. Prisons are unsurprisingly filled with villainous individuals, and being surrounded by that kind of culture might even worsen anyone who spends any amount of time there. If releasing someone from prison is more often than not going to lead to recidivism, than releasing someone from prison does not actually lead to justice within my definition. To prevent future crime, people who are convicted would need to stay in prison indefinitely. Of course, if everyone is convicted of a life sentence no matter the crime, you might as well just kill them from the get-go. Not to disincentivize other criminals, but simply to save time. They are going to be removed forever from society, and we already seem content with an arbitrary measurement of the worth of their lives, so where they go does not matter.

This probably sounds horrible, but we must remain objective in our discussion of justice because the story goes that it is blind. Nobody can commit a crime from beyond the grave (…yet), so it has to be taken into consideration when we are looking for the proper execution of justice.

We’ve come up with one just solution, but we have one more option remaining: rehabilitation. If we can convince someone that crime is bad, or get them to a place in their lives where crime is less of an option, then that would certainly prevent future crime.  This would eliminate the arbitrary nature of gauging the worth of an action in years, as it would become a simple matter of when the person would be ready to integrate back into society. For those incorrigible rapscallions who will forever be unrepentant about their transgressions that are so often the poster children of death penalty supporters, they would simply remain in prison until they die simply because they would never conform to acceptable standards of society. But for everyone else, how about instead of just holding on to rapists for a bit before letting them go, for example, we teach them a gender studies class or something so that they learn that maybe rape isn’t such a nice thing to do? Once they get the idea, they can leave. Maybe it takes one year, maybe it takes twenty, but it would be entirely dependent on the individual.

Now, some might say that those dastardly criminals might pull the wool over everyone’s eyes and convince people that they’re totally cool and should go back into society. Admittedly, they might with their brilliant criminal wiles, but they also have the potential to do that now. We have parole hearings to decide literally that, and this is within a system where very little effort is made to address rehabilitation, so their readiness for society would be due to pure chance rather than any particular effort of the justice system. This way, a team consisting of maybe a social worker, a variety of counselors, prison staff, etc. would provide testimony about the rehabilitation status of any given inmate and would deliver consensus on that person’s ability to conform to social standards, thus preventing future crime.

So we have two options for an appropriate delivery of justice: rehabilitation or death. Next time someone complains that a guy who seems to keep stealing cars “only” got a two year jail sentence after several priors (or however long, I’m not a lawyer), you can ask what kind of steps are being taken within those two years to actually address this vehicular kleptomancy and whether that is an adequate enough time to properly deliver those services to this individual, or casually suggest the perpetrator’s death.