Men Are Keys; Women Are Locks

Aug 6, 2015 //
7

A key that can open any lock is a master key, but a lock that can be opened by any key is worthless.

What this is saying is that men can sleep around with honour and pride, but any woman that tries is a worthless whore. Really, any argument that reduces human beings to one-dimensional phallic and vaginal objects shouldn’t be held in any kind of esteem, but for some reason this argument is brought out any time someone tries to say that slut-shaming is a bad thing. I mean, it’s so ridiculous, if you even just change the objects around a little bit, you alter the entire idea. Like, “An iPhone that can be charged by any cord is a practical iPhone, and a cord that can charge any phone is also super practical.” When Apple released that new iPhone that wasn’t compatible with any of the old chargers, people were pissed, but all Apple was promoting was normative monogamy.

This is bullshit that no one should take seriously, but that’s exactly my point. Male genitals do not have teeth and ridges in them, nor do female genitals have a unique set of tumblers. If you can’t manage to get your dick into a girl, it’s not because you’re drunk and at the wrong house… actually, it might be. Nevermind. My point is: dicks aren’t keys, and pussies aren’t locks. Your argument is dumber than actually trying to fuck a lock.

This maxim only came into being because people were trying to justify sexist ideologies. It’s not like cavemen discovered a locking mechanism and thought to themselves, “Oh hey, this exists! Guess women must all be sluts!” Society maintains this anachronistic view that men can do whatever they want and women just have to take it, often with all the innuendo that that implies, and some nerd discovered that unlocking a door was exactly like having sex and took just as long, and created the comparison.

The problem with aphorisms is they inherently possess verisimilitude (I learned this word specifically for this blog. It means that something seems like it’s true) I’m not just making this up.  If something sounds poetic, people will believe it. Why do you think nobody questions that Birds of a Feather Flock Together and Opposites Attract are both equally considered truisms, despite being entirely contradictory? The veracity of something is never, ever related to how it “sounds,” so quit being morons.

Using the proper function of a brain, it is unsurprisingly simple to dismantle this metaphor for slut-shaming. However, people still love shaming the shit out of all those sluts, and they’ll still high-five a dude for doing the same thing. Within the last week, I have heard a woman referred to sarcastically as “classy” for partaking in some delightful heavy petting on a public bench, as well as a few other choice words for a girl getting double-teamed in the middle of a school dance floor. Nothing negative was said about the men, despite the fact that in both these scenarios they are engaging in literally the same sex act. These women were not masturbating, folks! It’s like saying only half the people during a heist are actually committing a crime, and the mark of innocence is dictated by genitals alone.

Women. Like. Sex. Everyone likes sex. Have you ever had it? It’s amazing! Why would you condemn anyone ever in wanting to have it? I want you to stop what you’re doing, and masturbate until climax right now.

Welcome back. Wasn’t that great? Wouldn’t it be better sharing that with a partner? You bet! Why would you put restrictions on something like that? Obviously safety and health are crucial aspects, but people don’t slut-shame because they’re worried about a gonorrhea outbreak. If they were, it wouldn’t be gendered abstinence that they were advocating. This is hypocrisy at its very worst because it is depriving orgasms from half the population. This is something I will not abide.

 I’ve already discussed why this happens with my tool and temple analogy in regards to sexual autonomy, which actually works quite well with the key and lock metaphor. Perpetuating harmful social conditioning is a bad idea.

So. To clarify. Women enjoy sex. Men enjoy sex. Having sex is great. Stay safe, kids. Wrap it up.

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Categories Gender and Sexuality, Social Criticism

I Am Not A Good Person

Jul 25, 2015 //
0

Recently people have been heaping all sorts of praise on me. Mostly that I’m good, or noble, or similar attributes. They are alluding to the fact that I volunteer weekly at a recovery house for people suffering from addictions, or when I helped organize and subsequently volunteered at a charity barbecue to raise money for Battered Women’s Support Services. When I was taking my old electronics on the bus to be recycled, a woman complimented me on being a good person, compared to all the folks in her building who just chucked everything into the dumpster, up to and including a broken toilet.

Now, I’ve also been called greedy, selfish, and one time even batshit crazy, but those people are assholes, so their opinions are irrelevant.

I want to take a look at the accolades rather than the criticisms, however. To be “noble” is to literally be elite; the nobles are the upper echelon of society. To be “good” means to be better. These titles are exclusive, and maybe rightly so.

But why is exuding a basic amount of compassion and recognizing fundamental human dignity an element of a superior person? Why do we raise it above the average? Why does caring for other human beings make me an elitist? I am not a good person because I refuse to believe that these characteristics are unnatural to the ordinary person. I refuse to acknowledge that the only prerequisite for moral mediocrity is to refrain from actively murdering somebody.

When we make these traits exclusive, we create excuses. If we raise those who dedicate more than just a passing thought to taking care of their community into a higher rank of person, then we exonerate the rest who content themselves with apathy and inaction. No one needs to care about others because most of us recognize ourselves as regular people, and we can just leave compassion to our betters.

So here I am saying that I am not a good person. I am probably a little batshit crazy, but that’s because I am a human being, and know what? Human beings care for each other.

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Categories Social Criticism

The Top 5 Habits of Miserable People

Jul 18, 2015 //
0

John Stuart Mill once told us that it is better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. There is a merit to misery that is simply unavailable to genuinely happy people, and what comes with it is usually a more fulfilling, well-rounded life. Much greatness has come from anguish and despair, and we never would have experienced the brilliance of Ernest Hemingway or Vincent Van Gogh if they weren’t a couple of Gloomy Guses. Here are five habits of miserable people that will help you share the successful lifestyle of a pathetic wretch:

1. Outward Reflection: If one were to examine the world, one would find it heavily flawed. They say that ignorance is bliss, and quite frankly it is. If you want to enjoy a nice bout of depression, pick an issue, any issue. Wonder about the environment? Read up on it. See what the people who study it have to say about it, and then see what the people in power are doing about it. The more you learn and study the world, the more your crippling cynicism will develop, ruining any potential good mood you might ever possess again!

They're called "Little People!"

They’re called “Little People” and they shouldn’t be tossed!

 

2. Inward Reflection: If we turn our mind inwards, we can potentially find another well of sadness to dip our beaks into. They say that the instant you start to wonder about whether or not you’re happy, you can no longer be happy. Self-reflection is antithetical to happiness because happiness exists outside of thought in a shallow but euphoric high. If one critically examines their life, they will inevitably find flaws and regrets to dampen their mood, but in doing so will also create a deeper understanding of their Self and identity that they would otherwise never find.

Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment, back here I can't even hold a job *parking cars*!

Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment, back here I can’t even hold a job *parking cars*!

 

3. Attachment: It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This is actually a terrible thing to say to someone in the throes of heartbreak, and they would be quite justified in punching you in the face if you do. However, the amount of despair that accompanies a breakup is reflective of that person’s capacity to love. If one felt nothing, then this indicates an utter lack of human connection. The crushing loss or disappointment that inescapably goes hand in hand with attaching your heart to someone or something displays the full extent of that person’s ability to love.

I can't believe he invaded her "Bay of Pigs"... if you catch my meaning

I can’t believe he invaded her “Bay of Pigs”… if you catch my meaning

 

4. Striving: If someone never expected anything of themselves, and drifted listlessly through life without any direction or ambition, then they would likely be quite content. It is those who try, and then quite likely fail, who suffer despondently. Was it your aspiration to be a big movie star? Unfortunately, after all those acting classes and unpaid internships at a movie studio you’re still serving coffee to aggravating, entitled assholes. Those who dream, those who fight, those who try, they are the ones who push us forward, and they are the ones who get the headache for it.

God damn it, Lex. Every. Fucking. Time.

God damn it, Lex. Every. Fucking. Time.

 

5. Anguish: Fear is different from anguish because fear is related to something that can be physically or psychologically dealt with. Anguish exists as a contemplation of possibilities. When we wonder, “What am I going to do?” we recognize our freedom to choose, and all the responsibility that comes along with it. When we acknowledge the infinite number of choices we have, and how even one will eliminate all others, we are gripped with dread.  Our ability to choose precludes happiness. If we have the choice between A and B, and can switch back and forth at a whim, we will never be as happy with whatever we end up with than if we were simply stuck with A from the get-go.

How will I ever save my franchise? More aliens? Less aliens? AUGH!

How will I ever save my franchise? More aliens? Less aliens? AUGH!

 

So let’s hear it for the learned, self-aware, free and loving dreamers, because with their torment they will always lead superior lives than those who content themselves with mere happiness.

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Categories Fun, Philosophy
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